Saturday, August 4, 2012

You've got cancer

My dance mother is gone, we have celebrated her life. I still have all the clean-up, what to do with her costumes, contacting her family, writing her memoirs.  

 But there was something still wrong with me. I was starting to bleed for no good reason at any time of the day or night regardless of that time of the month. So many embarrassing situations when I had to rush out of work to go home and change my clothes or wash them and come back like nothing happened. I had an arsenal of menstrual products in every size from Barbie to Elephant. The amazing Doctor Wells, suggested an ablation. I didn't know such a thing existed.  They could go in, laser the inside of the uterus and everything would be fine again.  It would be an in and out procedure, I could be back to work on Monday. While he was doing the ablation, he did a D&C and got a scrapping of the tissue. Came out and told my husband that everything looked fine. We just have to wait for the pathology. I made my follow up appointment and couldn't wait to get there. Things were not fine; I was beginning to bleed again! Little miffed with him. He listens carefully to everything I had to complain about then he said, "Well, there's a reason for all of these things you're experiencing - You've got Cancer!" There was a huge silence. He continued to tell me that he suggests we go for a hysterectomy and the least invasive is the DiVinci method. The best gynecological surgeon in Vegas was Dr. Kowalski.  He had already contacted her and sent over my pathology reports. He assured me it would be a quick surgery, in the hospital overnight if that, and back to work in 3-4 weeks.

I had left for my appointment using my lunch break. I went back to work. Was still thinking of everything he said as I climbed the stairs and went in the back door to my department. My supervisor asked me how everything went and I told her, "Can you believe it? He told me I have ca-ca-cancer!" I started to sob in her office. She came around and hugged me and told me to go home, to go see my honey and process the information. It seemed so surreal. How does this happen to me? I just pulled off one of the most selfless acts of love for my mentor. I have taught dance classes for troubled teens at Juvenile Hall, worked with abused and neglect children as a camp counselor, started women's circles at my studio, did a Blessing Way for their babies before their births. I have given up every birthday, anniversary, special family event and holiday to teach, rehearse or perform for 40 years. I have been reliable and dependable when someone needs me. Back in the day I even picked up my fair share of hitch-hikers just because I believed it brought good karma and now I have cancer. I gotta cry to the heavens: why me? I nurture others through life changing events; this isn't supposed to happen to me.

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